Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dear God


Dear God;

I know it's been a while. I'm thinking I don't deserve your comfort tonight, but my heart is aching. They are all asleep and I feel alone. 

Tonight, I feel great loss. They are all here, my loved ones, tucked in and hopefully dreaming good dreams. But I am confronting choices, head on now. I learned well, and You blessed me with great parents who gave me the tools I need to know what to do. It's just hard when there's something so bright and so glowing and that draws me so strongly.  To hold a dream so tightly, so protectively, knowing it will never be more... but still cherishing it so, loving it like all the other gifts You have given. I love this dream. It is my secret treasure. I don't want to let go. It sits in my heart, and during my quiet times, I take it out and play with it. It's starting to hurt me. I'm starting to want it too much. It doesn't work in this life. It's like a warm, sunny day and the snow. I can't have both, even though I love both. They can't co-exist. One disolves the other. 

Being a good mother means sometimes making hard choices. I have a beautiful life. There's just this one other thing that I want. It's selfish. And I want to think, maybe it can wait, maybe it can happen later. But it won't. And I remember that I have realized so many dreams. You have also blessed me with a husband who has always supported me as I persued my dreams. He has sat at many libraries for long hours while I studied. He has encouraged me to go out on my own, work for myself-even at such a young age, he believed in me. He helped me build a business, and even mopped its floors at 2 in the morning after a long day at his own job, just to get me home earlier. And still, I want this.

Tonight, God, I ask that you sooth this hurt for me. Help my heart realize what my head already knows. Help me to make the right choices for my family. Help me let go.


4 comments:

  1. My dear contemplative friend Patty,
    I don't think you will ever regret sharing your heart....no matter where it is you choose to 'tear the wall down'. And not only does it validate those thoughts, hurts, and dreams for you, but it helps us all in our struggle to 'let go'......of secret dreams we all hold onto. And I'm a firm believer that the process of 'dying to self' is the only way to really live. Only in surrender is true living possible.
    And my hero of philosophy and christianity said it this way:
    "If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, we should also begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." C. S. Lewis

    Love to you and thank you for sharing!

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  2. "I love this dream. It is my secret treasure. I don't want to let go. It sits in my heart, and during my quiet times, I take it out and play with it. It's starting to hurt me. I'm starting to want it too much. It doesn't work in this life. It's like a warm, sunny day and the snow. I can't have both, even though I love both. They can't co-exist. One dissolves the other."

    Wow, Patty, that is an incredible description of such a private feeling. You have put those feelings--which I can so relate to--into words that are purely poetic. I haven't read and re-read anything like I have your post in a long, long time.

    Your words, coupled with your incredible photography, is absolutely mesmerizing. Don't hold back, this is a wonderful platform to share with and touch others while fulfilling a need within yourself.

    I can't wait to read your next post! Don't keep me waiting too long! *wink*

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  3. thank-you, denise, for your kind words. i was a little worried that this was too intimately personal for such a public forum. but with little inhibition to begin with, coupled by fatigue and sadness over loosing our family pet... no inhibitions at all! felt good to release those feelings. post-script: found our pup late today, trapped in a neighbor's yard. tonight, i sleep!

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  4. i am SO glad i just clicked over here!

    your words... your thoughts... what an incredibly beautiful post... a true look inside at your heart.

    i love that you shared... it is refreshing to know otheres feel as you do!

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