I know it's been a while. I'm thinking I don't deserve your comfort tonight, but my heart is aching. They are all asleep and I feel alone.
Tonight, I feel great loss. They are all here, my loved ones, tucked in and hopefully dreaming good dreams. But I am confronting choices, head on now. I learned well, and You blessed me with great parents who gave me the tools I need to know what to do. It's just hard when there's something so bright and so glowing and that draws me so strongly. To hold a dream so tightly, so protectively, knowing it will never be more... but still cherishing it so, loving it like all the other gifts You have given. I love this dream. It is my secret treasure. I don't want to let go. It sits in my heart, and during my quiet times, I take it out and play with it. It's starting to hurt me. I'm starting to want it too much. It doesn't work in this life. It's like a warm, sunny day and the snow. I can't have both, even though I love both. They can't co-exist. One disolves the other.
Being a good mother means sometimes making hard choices. I have a beautiful life. There's just this one other thing that I want. It's selfish. And I want to think, maybe it can wait, maybe it can happen later. But it won't. And I remember that I have realized so many dreams. You have also blessed me with a husband who has always supported me as I persued my dreams. He has sat at many libraries for long hours while I studied. He has encouraged me to go out on my own, work for myself-even at such a young age, he believed in me. He helped me build a business, and even mopped its floors at 2 in the morning after a long day at his own job, just to get me home earlier. And still, I want this.
Tonight, God, I ask that you sooth this hurt for me. Help my heart realize what my head already knows. Help me to make the right choices for my family. Help me let go.