Snow Day

We had a snow day today in east Tennessee. It always makes me smile, because as a child of the north, honey, this just doesn't cut it. But, none-the-less, kids were home early, celebrating their newfound freedom.  Mine are a little big to make a real big deal of it, but when I couldn't find Lexi in the house (she was just playing with that **soccer ball-where'd she go?!), this is where I found her:

Satisfied that she was not only found, but happy, too, I turned back toward the house and saw this:

Pretty beautiful, hmm? And ya know, you just wouldn't think that a cold, snowy day would yield such a beautiful sky at sunset. But the turmoil in the sky and the leaf-less trees gave the scene depth, texture.

And notice how placid the water is, free of ripples and currents. The contrasts are striking and beautiful. Makes you wonder if that's not why we have turmoil and ripples and currents in our lives. Without it, it is hard to measure calmness and peace and beauty.  With it, (as we learn to live with it, or overcome whatever it is that is causing it), we weave a richer, more textured fabric of life, one with strength and depth and meaning.

Dear God

Dear God;

I know it's been a while. I'm thinking I don't deserve your comfort tonight, but my heart is aching. They are all asleep and I feel alone. 

Tonight, I feel great loss. They are all here, my loved ones, tucked in and hopefully dreaming good dreams. But I am confronting choices, head on now. I learned well, and You blessed me with great parents who gave me the tools I need to know what to do. It's just hard when there's something so bright and so glowing and that draws me so strongly.  To hold a dream so tightly, so protectively, knowing it will never be more... but still cherishing it so, loving it like all the other gifts You have given. I love this dream. It is my secret treasure. I don't want to let go. It sits in my heart, and during my quiet times, I take it out and play with it. It's starting to hurt me. I'm starting to want it too much. It doesn't work in this life. It's like a warm, sunny day and the snow. I can't have both, even though I love both. They can't co-exist. One disolves the other. 

Being a good mother means sometimes making hard choices. I have a beautiful life. There's just this one other thing that I want. It's selfish. And I want to think, maybe it can wait, maybe it can happen later. But it won't. And I remember that I have realized so many dreams. You have also blessed me with a husband who has always supported me as I persued my dreams. He has sat at many libraries for long hours while I studied. He has encouraged me to go out on my own, work for myself-even at such a young age, he believed in me. He helped me build a business, and even mopped its floors at 2 in the morning after a long day at his own job, just to get me home earlier. And still, I want this.

Tonight, God, I ask that you sooth this hurt for me. Help my heart realize what my head already knows. Help me to make the right choices for my family. Help me let go.

Getting Rid of "I Should've"

So, yesterday, I had a pretty good mommy day. Usually, I melt into my bed at the end of the day, exhausted and panting and just grateful to have another place to plant my backside besides the driver's seat of the Suburban. And I'm usually full of  "I should've..." 's.  I should've been more patient;  I should've left earlier;  I should've tried harder;  I should've planned better;  I should've hugged more... But yesterday? Yesterday was pretty good.

I got J-man to baseball practice early, as in before 9am... and with all of his necessary equipment.  No small feat for this wanna-be late morning sleeper. And it's funny, because once I'm up, I really like the mornings. They're peaceful.

I noticed this sign on my way back home, and was inspired and hopeful for a good day.

I also noticed this red barn. And now you're thinking... okkkkaaay?? Well, hold on because I'm about to get really east Tennessee on ya...

C'mon... even you northerners have to admit... in the dismal, drab, dead-of-winter, this red barn glows. It's beautiful!  Even if it is in a Green Acres kinda way....

Then at the stop light in town, I looked right and saw this:

See, in the north, we use these signs just to tell when services are held.  Here, lessons can be learned. "Keep thy heart with all diligence."  Persistence, care, caution, constant and earnest effort, persistent exertion... diligence.  Pay attention to what matters. So then I thought of my Austin, my middle child, who has yet to be seen on this blog.  He was off at a church retreat this weekend.  I love this child.

Isn't he sweet?!

I went home and made pancakes, which  I later blogged about.  And later in the day, I made meatballs and yummy chocolate chip cookies (so mommy-like).  I organized Austin's soccer team stuff, and loved on Lexi quite a bit.  I got her to a birthday party at an indoor pool, and again(!!) (ahhemmm): ON TIME (woo-hoo!), with a birthday present and card that she picked out.

I even showed up early to pick her up, camera in hand...

(That's her, on the far right, in the brown & pink.)

And when she asked to bring a friend home for the night, I said yes, even though her brother already had a friend spending the night... (What's one more, anyway?)

I noticed this old barn on the way home and the beautifully simple "cut-outs" on the doors. And the Christmas wreath. Even though it's almost February, I love it.

So, instead of running around like an idiot, getting projects half-done and not knowing which way is up and being barely able to breathe because I can not do that one more thing...

I did breathe.  And I loved, and I noticed the sunset... 

And when I went to bed last night, there wasn't one "I should've" on my mind.